Plan to Start My Own Party

As a Democrat living in the state of Texas, I often feel like a member of Mensa among pre-school children. I am also horrified daily by the political shifts and changes around me and wonder if I am alone. I am not one to take things lying down. So in an effort to create some political momentum for the rest of my party, I am going to venture out. I would not call it “going rogue” or anything, but I will take an inward look at what my current party is doing so wrong while Republicans get it so right.
Agenda:

Start my own party

I. Plan
The plan is to create an outline of strategies to get this party started.
A. Create a name
B. Gain B-list celebrity notoriety
C. Have an offensive strategy
D. Form a committee to develop props and signs

II. Platform
The party’s platform will consist of four major policies.
A. Create Foreign Policy
B. End the racism vs reverse racism argument
C. Be an activist for terror victims
D. Compromise on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy

Creating a name

After giving this a lot of consideration, I decided this party needs to send a strong message. What better historical event to represent this than Paul Revere’s Ride? Paul Revere was the first American dispatch rider or messenger. Therefore, I would like to name this party the “Dispatch Party”. Since all modern-day messengers carry messenger bags, we will refer to the party as the “D-Baggers” for short.

Celebrity Notoriety

It is my firm belief that we should choke out middle-of-the-road Democratic candidates with over-the-top personality types who do not share our religious or political agenda, but who have a knack for getting media attention over important issues like: witchcraft; satanic alters and sacrifice; etc. The only real criteria for these candidates is that they are able to read excerpts from the Constitution (even if out of context) at a moment’s notice. My professional recommendation for a position such as this is really a no brainer: Elvira – 1. She is some sort of witch. 2. She is typically in the media spotlight around October. 3. She can read.

Offensive Strategy

This strategy is to scrutinize opponents to an irrational degree with a straight face.
Example: John McCain obviously spent many years abroad in a POW camp. Did anyone check his passport when he returned? How can we be sure he was not a Communist planted and lying in wait to become president, take over the country and change everything? We should demand to see his passport and have it authenticated. If it all checks out, we should dismiss the evidence and continue to stand for what we believe. This group of D Baggers will fall into a sub-category called “Passporters”.

Props and Signs Committee

Even though Paul Revere’s Ride was in April (not quite on a Summer’s Eve), we feel it is only befitting to create a larger, more stand-out hat than the Tea Baggers have to show our patriotism, determination, fight, and gumption. We will fill bags with piss and vinegar and hang them from patriotic hats. We will also prepare many irrelevant signs on 7thGrade science project, tri-fold poster board and use large stacks of paper to make our points. This will especially be necessary on the Senate floor if we lose out in November. My motto is, “Prepare, prepare, prepare.” My Kindergartener is already hard at work on some designs for me.

Stand Up for Specific Foreign Policy

Since remaining in Afghanistan is a trimmed down version of the Bush Doctrine, we will keep this policy and just call it the ”Landing Strip Doctrine”. We will only refer to it in name and not specifics. The important thing is that we remain somewhere in the Middle East, preferably where there is oil, but mainly just to feel safe.

End Racist VS Reverse Racist Argument

We will end the whole racist vs reverse racist argument. Anyone who is a questionable racist or reverse racist will be subject to a simple one-question screening test to determine if they are or aren’t. The test will be segregated.

Following will be the test question for Caucasians:
1. Are you a racist?
a. I have some black friends and I like rap music.
b. No
Answer: If the answer is a., the conclusion is “racist”.
If the answer is b., the conclusion is “not a racist”.

Following will be the test question for African Americans:
1. Fill in the blank in the following sentence:
When my best friend said something crazy, I said, “________ please!”
a. “N” word or some variation
b. Child
Answer: If the answer is a., the conclusion is “reverse racist”.
If the answer is b., the conclusion is “The person is just an Ocho Cinco fan”.

Take Up for Terror Victims

Being originally from Oklahoma, a huge realization overwhelmed me after visiting the Federal Building Memorial site. Surrounding the site are hundreds of businesses and properties quite clearly owned by Christians. I am a Christian, but I can see where this must be the worst display of insensitivity toward victims in recorded history. We need to fight this problem. It is well-known that Timothy McVeigh, who masterminded the bombing was a devout Christian and was driven by his beliefs. It is frightening to think that Christians are still everywhere down there. I hope they will all do the right thing and move at least 10 blocks from the site. This is so important, it should be the one of the main talking points of the D Bag Party.

Compromise on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

This policy is already making an “ass” out of “u” and “me”. So let’s just tweak it a bit and call it a compromise. The updated policy will be called the “Assume Policy”. With this in place, any male soldier caught tapping his foot in the port-a-john or listening to Celine Dionne will be subject to scrutiny. Now pay close attention because this is where the compromise comes in… Using the same laws outlined in the Patriot Act, anyone assumed to be gay in the military will have their private phone conversations and emails reviewed for subject matter. If found to be gay with this evidence, they will be flamboyantly discharged. Since this may seem like more of the same to everyone (except John McCain), I have an alternative proposal: Add large closets to all military tents and barracks. Gay service men and women may stay in these unless needed for combat.

I believe with all of my heart that if I can get some people on board with this, it may just save us from a largely projected defeat in the November elections. Please get out there and make your hats. Yell things. They don’t have to make sense. We can do this. I know we can!!